Are You Good Enough?

Title : Are you good enough?
Author : Bill McFarlan and Dr. Alex Yellowlees
Publisher :Capstone Publishing Limited, 2006
ISBN-13 : 0 978-1-84112-701-9
ISBN-10 : 1-84112-701-9
Pages : 202


The book is about a family wherein the husband and wife encounter problems relating to their personalities. It tackles the ways and steps to become more confident, to have a better outlook on life and to be a better person. It tackles issues on self-worth and self-confidence; how they affect the person you are and the people around you and the suggestions on how you can be a victor in the confidence tug-of-war.

There are many examples and situations wherein the problems are clearly illustrated and the possible answers and solutions are clearly suggested. This book makes one recognize the folly of one’s behavior; the underlying reasons behind them and how to can correct those follies.

Are you hungry for love?
Lynn is married to her husband Steve for 5 years and he has been her partner for 10 years. She feels that her husband is more fascinated with football matches than conversing with her. Plus, when he kids her about her weight, it really puts her down. She is disheartened and dismayed with her weight problem that she experiences love-hate food relationship. This means that she’s encountering disagreement with food. She always worries on the food she eats. Those worries are nagging her subconscious, and in the process, drain her energy and takes off the joy of eating.

After worrying about the food she eats, a question on whether to eat or not to eat arises. While Lynn loves eating and preparing meals for her family, she has become cautious with food. She reflects on whether she’s eating too much or eating the wrong food. TV programs and glossy magazines affect her in such a way that sometimes, she just opts to not eat anything during the day. The sad part is that, during dinnertime, she is so hungry that she tends to overeat. She sometimes thinks that the world has gone diet-crazy, but then again, she wants to look good and everyone’s doing it so it must be acceptable and it must be okay to diet.

To overcome frustrations and disappointments, Lynn uses food to change the way she feels. When she feels down and unhappy, comfort eating is the easiest way to feel better – but only for a while. This will cause her to overeat and thus, eventually add to her disappointment with her weight and she will start dieting again. It is a way of filling her inner emptiness or emotional hunger. This emotional hunger stems from the want of self-love and a warmer and more fulfilling relationship with Steve.

Are you good enough?
The following morning, Steve left for the office with a thin smile for Lynn. In the office, he received a tongue-lashing from his boss that so humiliated him with the comments regarding his performance. This incident reminded him of his father. He was always seeking his father’s approval and being disappointed because he didn’t get it. He compares himself with the football players who lost a game and still get a high salary.

Our inner sense of self-worth affects the joy and contentment in our daily lives. It controls our preferences, point of view in life and behavior to others and ourselves. Our real value is what we feel inside and not how others perceive us to be from the outside. We value ourselves based on our own judgment, not on the judgment made by others. Steve sees himself as a failure. No matter how much he strives, he will not have enough success because he feels he is not good enough. This is the problem with the over-achievers trying to cover up their low level of self-worth.

Our self-worth is somewhat cultivated by our parents. Their unrestricted love serves a cornerstone of a healthy self-esteem. If we feel loved, we grow up with a sense of being ‘good enough for life.’ This will see us through all the challenges in life. In Steve’s case, he never got the stamp of approval he was aspiring to get from his father. He never felt that he is good enough even when he is giving his best. He can make a façade of a happy and content individual to boost his self-worth but, it only works when the outside world plays that game. When the outside world stops playing, he will head towards a personal crisis.

Is your emotional bank balance in the red?
With all the demands from different people Lynn wants to please, she is struggling to maintain an order in her frenzied life. Over time, she became a people pleaser without knowing it. Erroneously, she feels that she has to put everybody’s needs ahead of hers. She needs to be liked and is an approval seeker from others. The approval seeker cycle is that if they are needed by others, then they feel liked; if they feel liked, they feel approved of and if they gain approval, they feel better about themselves. Though the cycle may boost self-worth, the repeated cycle leaves the person feeling worn-out. The energy she offers surpasses the energy she gets back. She has to make time for herself to regain the energy she gives out.

Who are the bullies in your life?
Steve is struggling with the mixed emotions from being bullied by his boss. The incident can cause physical and emotional sickness. Fear begins because his boss has a power over him and there is too much at stake for him both professionally and personally. Then hurt is bothering him because of the injustice of his boss’ attacks. Rage follows just beneath the surface. It is the normal response when being attacked. The thing is, he cannot show his anger because of the consequences.

There are many kinds of bullies but the biggest bully is yourself. Over time, the criticisms you receive becomes a constant monologue inside your head. This inner critic becomes normal to you that it soon becomes your inner bully. This is what happened to Steve. He became his worst enemy. His inner and outer bully teams up against him.

Who are you pruning back to promote healthy growth?
Steve and Lynn’s self-confidence is based on outside events rather than on their inner personal values. They are no longer in control of their lives. Too many outside forces have taken over. That was when Steve realizes that people who became too demanding of their time and space needs to be pruned back or trimmed; those who demoralize their self-confidence needs to be rooted out while others need to be given a chance to develop in a different area in their lives since they both know that their friendship with other people is influencing their self-confidence and joy.

Have you lost your bearings?
Steve has a poor sense of self-worth. Even though he is good in what he does, he still feels bad about himself because he evaluates himself too strictly that all his achievements are never good enough for him. It is not his work or the people around him, but his self that brings him down. As a result, when other people see him as being an achiever, he feels like a fraud and he always dread being ‘found out’.

Men often find it more difficult to talk about their fears because they do not want to be seen as weak. This suppressed anger and depression is being bottled up, just boiling inside and then, the anger will start to be pointed against him. Steve is no exception. He begins to loose his bearings. As a result, his relationship with his family suffers without him even realizing it. If this continues, Lynn might slowly lose her respect and longing for him as a partner. Steve, on the other hand, may turn to other women as possible partners.

Steve then saw a confidence compass wherein there are four arrows. The one pointing to the north says more worth. The one pointing to the east says more competence. The one pointing to the west says less competence and the one pointing to the south says less worth. Apparently, all confident people are found in the north-east section of the compass.

Are you heading north-east?
The options in living your life is between living in a fast-paced lifestyle, always wanting to achieve more, fearing the thought of failing and never finding joy and contentment in the process of attaining your goals or to start believing in yourself and believing in your talents and capabilities. Your attitude and outlook has something to do about you, not the people or situations around you.

Lynn and Steve discussed the confidence compass, relating it to their lives and outlook on life. With these, they had a significant communication and it brought understanding on their problems and how to improve the quality of their lives and their relationship. With the help of the compass, they have to realize that self-worth has something to do with one’s inner value. It is one’s assessment of oneself. Also, they need to realize that self-competence is the possession of a good set of life skills suited to a person’s life. The combination of a healthy self-competence and self-worth is one of the secrets of real joy.

North-west people are arrogant and with a self-belief that outweighs their capabilities. These people do not ‘walk the talk’. North-eastern people are well rounded and confident people. They assist in developing others because they have no intention of walking over them to succeed. Steve is a south-easterner. His characteristic shows a high level of self-competence but low self-worth. He is an over-achiever and is extremely self-critical. On the other hand, Lynn is a south-westerner where both her self-worth and self-competence are both low. Now, the couple needs to cope. It means they need to possess a collection of life skills enough to live. Steve and Lynn know that they need to build their self-confidence as a start to their journey towards North-east.

Who are your role models?
All people have a set of unique role models. These are the people we instinctively look up to for direction regarding almost anything in our lives. Most of the time, they are collection of personalities that influenced us over time like our parents, teachers, friends and etc. It is important that we select healthy role models for us to gain self-belief because they will help mold us to our set of beliefs, habits, attitude and lifestyle.
The character of Lynn and Steve shows that they chose role models who did not help them build their self-confidence. They still carry with them the effects of choosing misleading inspiration to be their role models. Apparently, they both need a new set of role models who will aid in building their personalities for the better.

Who are you parenting?
Parenting is the most vital profession in the world. This is where a new character, behavior, and identity will be formed. To be effective, there should be a combination of the skills of the mother and father. To be a good parent, you must remember these good parenting principles:

Loving your child unconditionally.
Setting clear, understandable and consistent boundaries to behavior.
Respecting a child’s individuality.
Having high yet realistic expectations.
Lynn and Steve need to talk about their parenting concerns. They need to be consistent in how they communicate to their son to avoid confusion on his part regarding attitude and character issues. They should ‘walk their talk’ to encourage Nicky to follow what they are telling him to do. One of the secrets in managing life is self-parenting. Lynn and Steve should transmit to themselves what a good parent does. This will bring about positive values and attitudes that will be communicated to Nicky.

Also, we parent not only our biological children but those who look to us for guidance. For Steve, it could be his staff at work. He should learn how to be a better leader for them to follow. He should nurture them to be the best they can be.

How are you coping with change?
Change is the fundamental forceful power in life. It is inevitable. The level of changes in our lives is related to the way they affect our self-esteem and our ability to cope with the changes. There are predictable changes wherein people can manipulate for the change to happen. Although it will need adjustment, it is easy to handle. For Lynn and Steve, example is the decision they made for Lynn to return to work. It is a big change but one that gives out chances to be a better person.

There are also unpredictable changes. They are based on external factors where we have little or no control of. If our inner core of confidence is strong, we will be less defenseless because our confidence is not based on external factors. The biggest confidence buster is the fear of change. The fear of going out of our comfort zone lessens our sense of security. Our level of self-confidence will dictate how we will deal and react to the changes that will definitely happen in our lives. Every experience presents a chance for self-confidence to grow. It is how we choose to respond that matters. Steve was presented with this opportunity when his well rounded boss was replaced by a ‘bulldog’. And he chose to react negatively.

What do your words say about you?
Words are powerful tools to hurt, condemn, manipulate, support and motivate. They can be used to get what we want. They can bring changes we could never have thought possible. Talking things up when there are issues and concerns must be practiced regularly for it to become a habit. This will also help in cultivating self-confidence.

The words we utter affect our communication with ourselves. They have the authority to impact us positively or negatively. For this reason, it is very important that we choose the words we are going to speak. We need to practice positive self-talk to bring about positive results. It alters our thinking, feelings and behavior to have a greater chance to succeed. For Steve, he needs to focus his mind to have a positive outlook. For Lynn, she has to conquer her inner critic for this will clash with her positive self-talk. She needs to establish a positive alternative to the nagging negative jibes in her mind.

Both Lynn and Steve need to begin believing and banking positive self-talk, compliments and praises. They need to start using languages that will sustain the positive beliefs they are creating and developing.

How are you at solving problems?
Everyone will surely encounter problems as long as we live. Knowing how to solve them is a potential confidence and coping skills builder. Problems will definitely arise, but what’s important is how we react to those problems. Self-awareness is a start in solving those problems. It may be uncomfortable at first but it is an opportunity to change and grow personally. We have to stop denying or ignoring the problem for it will never give a long-term solution. It will only make matters worse.

The first step in problem solving is realizing and accepting that a problem exists. Only then can we start understanding the problem. One way to better understand a problem is to ask yourself the right questions for they will generate meaningful answers. These answers will help you focus more on the crisis and will aid in your development of an action plan to work out a solution. There should be a brainstorming wherein all possible solutions are laid down along with their pros and cons. This will help you to be more in charge of your life.

This is a big leap for the couple but they tackled it head on together and they prepared to make the changes in their lives to help them gain more confidence and to have a happier life.

Are you acting ‘as if’?
Our authority to work out problems is dependent in the strength of our belief that we can. The mind has the power to accomplish what it believes. But be aware that self-belief is founded by preparation, performance and physiology; otherwise it is nothing but a false sense of security.

Preparation is important in achieving one’s goal. In order to perform well, one must practice to make it easier to perform what he has to do. Practice enables mind-body connections that are vital for carrying out the behavior we want to cultivate. This way, the performance will come out more natural, confident and forceful. A good performance boosts one’s self-confidence. Also, physiology aids in nurturing strong confidence between mind and body. It pertains to the physical health and well-being. This is the method used by Steve and Lynn to plan Steve’s confrontation with his bulldog boss.

Another method used by Steve to confront his boss is to act as if he is confident. This behavior will send messages to his brain and the more he acts confident, the more confident he will truly be. This way, the confidence cycle will be repeated until such time he will really be confident.

Does your mind work for you?
The mind is the strongest tool to comprehend the world and to handle life. We can either make it work for or against us. It is therefore essential to revisit the incorrect assumptions we made as children because unknowingly, we are living based on our performance as a child, which may not be appropriate now that we’ve grown up. Then, we need to re-evaluate the outlook we had as children based on the available evidences. With the help of re-evaluating our beliefs, we can alter our negative opinion of ourselves and re-construct a new set which are more motivating and appropriate for the adult in us. Knowing how to befriend our mind and for it to support us is vital in having peace of mind. Learning how to make it work for us compensates us immediately.

We formulate views and judgment about everything around us and they are the foundation of our reality or our mind map. We need to sift through these beliefs for they may be a reality to us, but in truth, it may be a distortion of the situation. Let us reframe those views and judgments to make them work for us. Visually reframe events and situations by ridding off discouraging images of the event and making a new empowering one.

For Lynn, even though there are uncertainties and fear, she conjured images that will help her relax and tried to block off the negative images and fear she had to be able to be more confident in dealing with people and in facing them in interviews.

Good enough!
The first step in gaining self-confidence and being happy and content is by satisfying your emotional hunger. This will be a start in making you feel better about yourself and the people around you. How other people see you are less important compared to what you think of yourself. Investing your time, effort and energy in pleasing other people is not as vital as looking after yourself. Furthermore, do away with the bullies in your life. Challenge them and assert yourself to them. Keep only the relationships with people you want to be a part of your life.

Go to the right direction. Balance your work with self-belief. Choose only those role models that can give you more than skin-deep character and image. In line with this, cope with change. Be positive and see the changes as opportunities for you to gain more confidence and be a better person. Face the changes and the problems that will surely arise. Be positive. Talk positively to yourself to develop your self-worth. Act as if you are confident and make it a cycle to eventually, make you really confident. Befriend your mind and make it work for you. Silence the negative things in your mind and replace them with positive ones. Then, you’ll be good enough!

These methods are what Lynn and Steve started to learn and practice to make their professional and personal lives easier and happier.